It's been nearly a year since I wrote my last post. A year. Wow. I read back on my last couple of posts, just to see where my head was and how things were going. I know that sometimes, a year feels like it's gone by in the blink of an eye; that wasn't the case for me. Not this year, at least. The last year felt like it lasted a lifetime.
I think it's only fair to let you know what's been going on for me. I don't want this to go on too long though, so it will be very "point form".
Things continued to go downhill for me, both at work and at home. My mental health was at an all-time low and my medications weren't helping the way they were supposed to. I felt numb and over-medicated but still sad. I regularly imagined falling down stairs or sticking my arm out in front of a bus. Just enough to get me into a hospital and out of whatever situation I found myself in.
In October I went to Edmonton to visit my brother and his wife. My son came with me but my husband stayed home to work and take care of the dogs, etc. The first weekend we spent in Jasper and it was AMAZING. Gorgeous weather, beautiful scenery, lots of wildlife. I could have spent my entire vacation there. While it was really nice to see my brother, the rest of the trip was no holiday! My son was sick (and got everyone else sick) and needy and whiny. We had no real means of transportation and had to figure out the bus system pretty quickly. Next time there will be some changes: a) I'm renting a car, b) Either my husband is coming with me, or my son is staying home, and c) More time in the mountains.
By the time I was back from my holidays things at work had become dire. I wasn't coming in to work on time, I wasn't really doing my job, I just didn't care anymore. If I could get away with it, I would have just stayed in bed all day every day.
Here's the worst part though; I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time, but I had never been suicidal. I'd thought about ways to hurt myself, but never wanted to die. I'd never cut or performed any other kind of self-harm. By mid-November, that wasn't the case anymore. I thought about driving off the highway head-first into a tree. I really truly felt like the only way to get rid of the darkness was to completely remove myself from the picture. Thankfully, it never came to that. I always got home and snuggled with my son, my husband and my pets. I knew that nothing was worth causing that much pain to someone you love and who loves you. My family saved me, and I hope that they know that.
Skipping ahead a bit, I wound up going off work for nearly three months. I met with my doctor regularly and we got my medication under control. I also started seeing a psychologist whom I still see at least once a month.
I've been back to work since mid-February. For the most part I've been alright, but there are still some pretty big wrinkles that need ironing out. Things have been slipping a bit at work over the past month or so, but I'm aware of it this time and I'm trying to be proactive.
That's my (not so little) update. I'm back to being me, so I'll be posting a lot more regularly again.